I could come up with a list of reasons; I had too much on my plate, classes were taking over, I needed time with friends.
But truthfully, this is the real reason: I couldn't find God.
I felt like God was no longer speaking to me; there was nothing being laid on my heart. All I found was silence. No huge revelation, no light bulb over my head. There was no 'still small voice.'
I'm surrounded, every day, by followers of Christ, yet I felt like I was the only one missing out on Him.
God, where are You?
I remember once in fourth grade, waiting outside on the curb after the final bell. My father was supposed to pick me and my sister up from school. Darkness would be coming soon; we still waited. Hours later, it was my mother who pulled up next to the curb, relieved to find us in the same spot that we had been for hours. In our minds, we were confident that our father would come. Somehow, we still had faith in him.
The Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years, waiting.
The Jews waited, and are still waiting, for their Messiah.
Wrapped up in waiting is a sense of perceived abandonment, being forgotten, not feeling important enough to be remembered..we've all experienced and dealt with these kinds of feelings.
And it is during these times that God responds:
Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.
(Genesis 28:15, ESV)
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.
That was the revelation that I was searching for, that my heart was seeking out. Sure, I've read those verses countless times, but it always seems that they take on new meaning when your heart needs to soak it in, when you're at the end of a road with no answers.(Deuteronomy 31:6, ESV)
My revelation: these past two months, God has been closer than He has ever been.
He endures our struggles, our crazy schedules, our broken hearts, our times of rebellion, because He loves us.
We will not be forsaken in the wilderness, no matter how unstable and unsure things may seem. Our Messiah has come, and He is walking with us, step by step, holding us when we stumble and reassuring our hearts that we are not alone.
How badly I needed to hear these words.
I pray that they would root themselves in your heart and offer you encouragement and hope when you feel like you're walking through your wilderness, waiting. God is near, Christ is here. We will never walk alone.